Hallelujah
by AlbuslovesGellertx3333333
Summary: Hermione never expected this to happen. She would jump through flaming hoops to make things the way they once were. How will it end? Only God knows. First person from Hermione's perspective. HG/PP.
1. Chapter 1

A/N: I had been working on this story for about nine months before it was finally finished. It was meant to be something that I wrote just to get out some of my feelings, but it ended up being what I consider to be the greatest thing I've ever written. And while I would sit there in pain, trying to figure out what exactly it was that I did wrong, I looked to God, praying for a better tomorrow. That it how this story came to be. It is quite possibly every emotion that I have ever felt for you and every one I ever will, my sweetpea. _  
><em>

_I've heard there was a sacred chord_

_David played and it pleased the Lord _

_But you don't really care for music, do you?_

_Well it goes like this, the fourth the fifth_

_The minor fall and the major lift_

_The baffled king composing hallelujah_

_Hallelujah, hallelujah, hallelujah, hallelujah  
><em>

_Well your faith was strong but you needed proof  
>You saw her bathing on the roof<br>Her beauty and the moonlight overthrew you _

We had been together for a year, she and I. She was perfection in every possible definition of the word; her hair was soft to the touch, of a raven color, her skin white silk. The pools of blue crystals in her eyes had an inexplicable power over me, but it was her smile that pulled me under her spell. She had an infectious laugh and an impossibly kind heart known only to me. We shared everything together: secrets, interests, tears, jokes. The one thing I knew that we shared in each other indefinitely was love. God, did I love her something fierce. That was why I was so shocked on that December night.

Dinner had finished, the students all filed into their respective common rooms. Everyone had begun the long walk up the stairs to the dormitories until I was alone, save for the crackling fire and a Sixth Year couple who had fallen asleep together in the corner. I took my chance as soon as the coast was clear and silently slid through the portrait hole unnoticed. As I climbed the stairs, I couldn't help but sing to myself: tonight was the night. I touched my left pocket instinctively, smiling when I felt the small square box safely inside. Tonight was mine and Pansy's one-year anniversary, and though some people may try to turn me off to the idea, I knew from day one that we would be together forever. Now all she had to do was answer one simple question, positively at least.

Climbing the final steps to the Astronomy Tower I could hear a rustling sound from the very top; if some horny kids were going to ruin my night, I'd kill them. When I reached the top, however, what I did see would stay with me for the rest of my life.

Atop one of the many tables two figures seemed to be wrestling in a heap of flesh. The girl straddled her male lover, threading her fingers hungrily through his hair while she nipped and sucked at his lips. His hands smoothed over her perfect pallid thigh, its milkiness only amplified by the moonlight. They moved together, each making their own small noises, until one long loud moan escaped the girl as she threw her head back in pleasure. Her long black hair cascaded down her back and she opened her eyes, gasping loudly when I met their gaze. Quickly she got up, grabbing the articles of clothing she had stripped of and redressed. She ran to my side leaving her unnamed lover alone and confused.

"Hermione," she breathed when she got close enough to me "What are you doing here? I didn't think you'd be here until midnight?"

"It _is_ midnight," I calmly reminded her. My heart now beat at a dangerous rate in my chest. She sighed, looking down at the floor in contemplation before resting a hand on my shoulder.

"Hermione, we need to talk -"

"Spare me, Pansy!" I said, slapping her off of me. I had even shocked myself; never before had I done anything like that to her. She nodded, still refusing to make eye contact. "Why?"

"It's – it's complicated, I mean -"

"What do you mean, 'it's complicated'!" I screamed through angry tears. "We've been together for a year. I've given you EVERYTHING I could, and now you decide that you need more than I can give you? Tell me, what the FUCK is so complicated about that?" Pansy had begun to cry now, silent tears trickling down her cheeks to the ground. The sickening truth was that I enjoyed it.

"I didn't want to upset you," she whispered.

"Well that ship has certainly sailed, hasn't it?" I spat. "Tell me, Pansy, what does he give you that I don't? Huh? Is it his beautiful eyes, or his gorgeous hair that you can't help but run your fingers through?"

"No -"

"Well there's gotta be something. Does he buy you jewelry and give you flowers and write you poetry? Or maybe it's because he's a "real man" and he can fuck you like I never could, isn't it?" Pansy was silent through the duration of my berating, though it was evident that there were several times that she wanted to interject.

"That's not why I was...um -"

"Sleeping around on me, yeah continue." She bit her lip, unsure of what to say next.

"Hermione I don't know how to tell you this, but I think that it would be in both of our best interests if we weren't together anymore." I felt those words coming, heard them in my head before they were even spoken, but nothing could have prepared me for the pain they inflicted.

"Your actions spoke for themselves," I whispered as tears collected at the bottom of my face. I was still angry, furious in fact, but it was terribly difficult to be angry at Pansy when she looked so helpless; her once crystal eyes were red and wet with tears. Her raven hair was a discombobulated mess on top of her head, her normally gorgeous smile turned into dejected pout. The only aspect of her body that hadn't changed was her pale skin which looked like silk in the moonlight: she was beautiful in her sin.

"I just need a break, 'Mione," she said solemnly. "It doesn't mean that I don't love you, so don't think that for one second. I just need time to think about things is all."

"What is there to think about? We had everything thought out." Pansy smiled, shaking her head.

"_We_ didn't. You did." Before she could begin to 'explain' herself any further I ran down the stairs, her calling my name all the while. My emotions churned inside of me, gurgling as I ran down the marble corridor to the nearest girl's lavatory. As soon as the door flew open, I was face-to-face with the toilet bowl, all pain expelling from my insides. When I had composed myself enough to stand I went to the sinks, rinsing my mouth and splashing cold water onto my face that was still sticky with tears. With a hand on either side of the sink I looked at myself in the mirror; my eyes were red and puffy like someone had punched me in the face. The scowl I wore looked as if it would be there permanently.

"Look at yourself," I said aloud. "Poor pathetic thing."

* * *

><p>AN: "Hallelujah" Music and lyrics by Leonard Cohen. While I wrote it, I listened to the Kate Voegele version.


	2. Chapter 2

_She tied you to her kitchen chair  
>She broke your throne, she cut your hair<br>And from your lips she drew the Hallelujah_

I hadn't slept in days now. I was terribly tired, but every time I closed my eyes I'd see her face taunting me and wake up in a puddle of my own tears. Still, the lack of sleep was beginning to take its toll; my face was gaunt and pale, my clothes unlaundered. I hadn't even bothered to run a brush through my already messy hair. I was drowning, and my friends watched on in horror as I sank silently to the bottom.

I had stopped attending meals in the Great Hall, Harry bringing me food when he could. I'd skipped all of my classes for the last few days as well; as much as it pained me to miss lessons, the pain that I felt from seeing her fiddling with someone else's hands under the Potions table was unbearable.

"This isn't healthy, Hermione," Harry said one night in my dorm: he had taken me my dinner.

"These petrified carrots or the company I hold?" I asked bitterly stabbing at my plate.

"This! You brooding!" He flailed his arms in the surrounding air.

"I happen to think it's perfectly healthy," I threw back, my voice dripping with sarcasm.

"You have to move on, Hermione. I know that you're hurt, but Pansy -"

"DON'T say her name," I said darkly. Harry sank backward into his chair.

"He's right you know," said the blond to his left who looked idly at his finger nails. "She's an intelligent girl, pretty good personality when you get to know her, but she can be a right bitch when you get down to it." It took all of the sanity remaining in my body to keep from slapping him.

"Don't talk about her like that." My voice was barely above a whisper now, but still audible at least.

"Look what she's done to you! You're a wreck!" Harry stood before me looking at the empty shell that resembled me and that would now and forevermore be me.

"Harry, I don't think this is a good -"

"No Draco, this is a perfect time." He silenced the blond with a single hand in the air. "Tomorrow we are leaving for Christmas break and I will not allow Hermione to spend the entirety of her holiday sulking. Now I know that you've been hurt and I know that it'll take some time before you've completely healed from this, but you've got to let it go, if not for yourself then for her."

"Out."

"I'm just trying to -"

"Get out now," I maintained my monotone. Draco looked grave as he took Harry's hand.

"Come on, Harry. Let's leave her alone for the night. We'll see her in the morning." Harry nodded solemnly, following Draco out of the room. "Goodnight, Hermione." I scowled at him in response as he closed the door. I never realized how right he was, though I wish I had. For the time being, however, his name was taboo. How dare he try to tell me how to deal with this? He had no idea what this felt like. I was out of control. I began hitting the walls, throwing everything in sight, even kicking at the posts of my bed like an impudent child. Finally out of breath I collapsed on to my bed, my face falling directly into my pillow. I tried not to cry, tried to focus on how angry I was instead; the crying had become unbearable. Panting from lack of oxygen I screamed at the top of my lungs, the noise not leaving the soft sheets and down cushioning.

I pulled my head back, inhaling deeply. It was a great feeling, almost euphoric. The heavy feeling in my chest had vanished for the first time in days. Falling back onto the pillow I could breathe easier, my mind temporarily defogged. Cautiously I closed my eyes, waiting for the terrifying images to cloud my mind, but was startled when I simply woke to the sunlight with nothing in between. I thought little of it as it had been the first time in almost a week that I had gone through an entire night without waking up in a fit; my roommates had taken to putting a silencing charm around my bed.

While I allowed myself to wake up, I went over my day's schedule: the train will be here today to bring us back for the holidays – I haven't packed yet. Shit. That meant that everyone would be exchanging gifts today as well – Harry and Draco's gifts haven't been wrapped yet. Double shit. I thought of Pansy's gift still tucked in the secure cranny of its velvet box.

Since we were old enough to attend, Pansy and I had spent every Hogsmeade trip together. Each time she would drag me to this antique shop about a half mile outside of the village. '_We looked at your stupid books, now let me look at something I enjoy_,' she would tell me, and of course I would smile, take her hand, and follow her blindly. Whenever we would go in, the owner would smile at us – we were regular customers – and he would ask the same question.

"You looking to buy it today?" Every time Pansy would sadly shake her head as she admired it.

"Not today, Leo. Next time, I promise." He chuckled, nodding as he updated the sign that read 'Hold for Pansy Parkinson'. The ring had a yellow-gold band with five stones, each set in claws. The first was an oval ruby, the next a brilliantly cut diamond which repeated throughout the band.

It truly was beautiful, and so was she. They belonged together, no? So the final time we left the store, her eyes lingering on the jewel for just a moment longer, I stayed behind telling her that I was going to put a payment on a broach for my mother and that she should get us some butterbeers at the Hogshead. Leo smiled knowingly, taking the ring from its case as soon as the bell on the door stopped ringing. That was one of the proudest days of my life. But it was over now. The box that I had once handled with such care was now tossed angrily beneath a pile of dirty clothes and scattered books.

This was no way to start the morning, not with the holidays so close, anyway. I wiped the tears from the corners of my eyes, hopped out of bed, now rejuvenated from last night's rest, and rushed around my room like a mad woman. Two or so hours later my desk and bed had been cleaned, I had showered (it felt wonderful to be clean), wrapped Harry and Draco's presents, and fully packed for my trip home. Once Crookshanks was in his carrier, I began down the many flights of stairs, my luggage levitating beside me. Familiar faces waved to me asking me how I had been as I passed, but I ignored them, holding my plain expression. At the bottom I set my things down and began to search the crowd for Harry and Draco. Everybody looked so happy; people exchanged presents, laughed with each other and gave their holiday wishes before parting ways. Then through the crowd, I spotted Harry and Draco plowing their way through the sea of bodies to get to me.

"Hermione, we're so happy to see you!" Draco said setting his luggage at his side. Harry pulled up beside him, contempt written clearly across his face. Draco elbowed him mumbling, "Harry, what did we talk about?" in a stern Malfoy way.

"Happy Christmas, Hermione," Harry said, his arms folded across his chest; he was still a bit hurt from the previous night.

"Thank you, both of you," I said. "And Harry, I'm sorry about what I said last night. I didn't mean to be so -"

"Rude? Idiotic? Bitchy?" Harry offered. I couldn't help but feel that he was right as I felt my cheeks begin to warm.

"Yes. All of those things and a million more. Do you think you could ever forgive a rude, idiotic bitch like me?" He looked at me for a second, and then wrapped his arms around me.

"You're forgiven," he said lamely. "Seven years of being best friends isn't going to be ruined by one stupid little fight." I smiled. "And now that we're friends again, I can tell you how glad I am that you showered." Gasping I slapped him hard on the arm.

"Hey, don't be such an asshole or you don't get your present!"

"Present?" Draco asked excitedly. "What the hell are we doing will all of this mushy heart-to-heart shit if there are presents? I would like mine now, please." Harry and I rolled our eyes simultaneously. Regardless, I extracted both Harry and Draco's gifts from my luggage. They were decorated in glittering reds and greens, each topped with a silk bow. Draco couldn't have gotten his open any faster as he tore through the paper. His smile faltered when he saw what the object was.

"Do you like them?" I said hopefully. "I made them myself." Draco fully separated the object from its box and began to examine it.

"They're lovely, 'Mione," Harry said giving me a quick hug. "I did need another scarf. Dray, aren't they nice?" The blond was fussing with his present, however, entangling himself in it as he muttered, '-like she doesn't even know me!' "Dray, don't you think we should thank Hermione?"

"Oh – oh of course. Thank you so much, Hermione. I'll think of you whenever I'm...cold."

"Thanks, Draco," I said hugging him; Malfoys were never very good with compliments.

"Now, off to the train, yes?" Harry said gathering his luggage.

"Yes, let's get out of here," I begged. We began dragging our belongings through the Great Hall that by now had cleared out some, and just before we got to the door a hand grasped my shoulder. When I looked up to see who the hand belonged to, my heart stopped beating.

"Hermione Jean Granger. You didn't think you'd go off on holiday without saying Happy Christmas to me, did you?" she said cheerfully. When Harry and Draco heard her voice they came running back.

"Get away from her," Harry said dangerously.

"Nice to see you too, Potter," she said.

"Come on, Pansy, just leave her alone, okay?" Draco said putting a protective arm around me.

"Draco, I'm afraid I have no idea what you're talking about." Harry growled under his breath. "I would love the chance to speak with her for a moment, though. Privately, of course." Every pair of eyes found me as I stood there in shock.

"You don't have to, Hermione," Harry said softly.

"She can make her own decisions, Potter. I won't make her talk to me, but I would like it if she did." In the time I had know Pansy there had always been something about her that made her remarkably irresistible. Even now I found it difficult to say no to her despite the hell of last week. Silently I nodded my head and followed her to a quiet corner where we could speak "privately".

I was trembling all over at the thought of what she might say; would she want to rub it in my face? Would she want to apologize for what she had done? And just maybe, would she want me back? We sat down on the bottom step of a the marble staircase as I nervously awaited her to begin.

"So Hermione, how have you been?" _How have I been? Well, I've been pent up in my room like a hermit for almost a week, I've only spoken to two people who coincidentally have been my only source of nourishment, have contemplated my own death at least a dozen times and now I'm talking to you. _

"A-alright, I guess." She smiled sweetly at the lie, touching a hand to my face.

"I'm happy to hear that. Any plans for holiday?" _Aside from crying my eyes raw in a cold, dark room? _

"You know that my family always has a party on Christmas Day. Other than that, it's just me, Mum, Dad and Crookshanks."

"That sounds great. You should spend time with your family." I smiled at her; she could tell that it was insincere. "Draco and Harry are waiting for you. You should get going before you miss the train." I nodded, still trying to keep my smile. It was then that I saw him over her shoulder: the boy from before. My stomach may have digested itself. He snuck up behind Pansy snaking his arms around her. She giggled annoyingly.

"Miss me?" he asked into her raven hair. She tilted her head back for him to press his lips to hers and I internally vomited.

"You two have never met, have you?" she asked in a sing-song voice.

"Briefly..." I mumbled, though I doubt that she heard me.

"Hermione, this is Lane." He disentangled his hand from Pansy long enough to extend it to me, though I simply looked at it as though it was a parana ready to bite off each of my fingers. "We're going to spend the holiday with his parents this year." Her smile was radiant; I didn't think I had ever seen her so happy. "In fact, we should really get going. Father has arranged transportation for us. You should go too before you miss the train." I nodded, and as I got up to leave, she said, "Where do you think you're going?" Putting her arms out to me I bent down to pick her up; how I missed the feeling of her body in my arms. She wrapped her arms around me as tightly as she could. "Lane, could you go make sure our luggage is in order?" she asked in her sweetest voice. Of course he complied; it was difficult not to satisfy Pansy's every wish. Now that we were alone once more, Pansy put her arms over my shoulders, holding me close.

"I know that things have been difficult for you this last week, but it's clear that you're doing very well now. And I'm so happy that you're not upset about this whole thing, really. I want to stay friends with you. Do you think we can do that?" While my insides screamed, I externally nodded. "That's wonderful." Suddenly her face was pressed against mine and our lips had met. My heart stopped beating for the second time that day. "One last time," she smiled placing another kiss on my forehead. "Happy Christmas, Hermione." She wiggled a few fingers at me in a wave goodbye and ran to catch up with the bane of my existence.

I thought I may be sick as I walked back to meet the boys. The one thing I had promised myself was that I wouldn't cry in front of them. And so when Harry put his arm around my shoulder and asked if I was "alright?" I took my luggage in one hand, Crookshanks in the other, and silently began the walk to the train station.

I sat staring out the window of our compartment, watching idly as the tracks whizzed by. Harry and Draco sat across from me; I think that they were afraid that I would hex them if they got too close while I was this angry. Twenty minutes before we arrived at Kings Cross, Harry had fallen asleep with Crookshanks in his lap. Draco took advantage of this, got up from across the compartment and sat beside me, a box in his lap.

"Happy Christmas," he said cautiously pushing the box into my hands. It was poorly wrapped, bits of paper and tape plastered over the white surface to cover every inch: Draco's handiwork. Working my way past the pound of glitter, I removed the lid. Inside was a spiral-shaped glass bottle filled with a dark purple liquid. Holding it up to the light I instantly recognized it.

"Dreamless Sleep Potion. You put some in my dinner last night." He smiled.

"Don't tell Harry. He'd be pissed if he found out I drugged your food." Draco was surprised when I hugged him and after days of scowling, managed a smile.

"You're the best, Draco." He smirked, waving a flamboyant hand at me.

"Oh stop, you flatter me."

It wasn't long before the red steam engine came to a halt. I had stowed my gift away to avoid questioning from Harry; Draco gave me a wink as we left our compartment and headed to the platform to gather our things.

"We'll write every day," Harry promised, handing Draco his luggage. "Twice if you need us to. We could even come pick you up if you need to spend some time with us -"

"Now now, Harry," Draco said patting his cheek, "Mummy and Daddy need some time alone. Hermione will be alright for a couple of weeks without us. She'll be with her family." Harry looked at me nervously, but I nodded.

"I'll be fine, Harry. Spending some time with my mum and dad will be good for me." Draco smiled, taking Harry's arm as his coachman carried the last piece of luggage to the carriage.

"Happy Christmas, Hermione," Draco said hugging me with his free arm; he wasn't giving Harry the chance to fuss over me any longer, something that I thanked him for greatly.

"Happy Christmas, Draco. And Harry?" He looked distressed as I wrapped my arms around him. I would never tell him that I saw a few tears form in the corners of his eyes.

"Happy Christmas, Hermione. We'll write as soon as we get to the Manor." I nodded, allowing Draco to finally pull him into the carriage. He looked back one last time, and so I made an attempt at an encouraging smile before the sound of wheels against pavement took him away.

Shortly after, I found my parents waiting for me on the opposite side of the barrier between Platforms Nine and Ten. Mum immediately rushed me with a strangling hug while Dad waited patiently behind her to carry my trunk. They played their usual round of twenty questions: how is school going? Did you get the book we sent you? Have Harry and Draco been behaving? (Dad). Finally as we were stepping into the car, Mum said, "Oh, and by the way, how is Pansy doing?" I had never kept my relationship with Pansy a secret from my parents; I knew that they would love me regardless of my sexual preference, and they did. Mum adored Pansy's charm, and she was like a second daughter to my father who doted on her during the summer months when she would stay with us. That was one of the reasons I never told them of what she had done.

"She's fantastic. Her parents are taking her on holiday to Barcelona."

"That sounds lovely, darling. We'll be sure to send her a Christmas card while she's there."

From there, the car ride was rather silent aside from the occasional mention of a dental patient who needed a cantilever bridge or the new décor in the dining room. Once we were back in our neighborhood, things seemed to ease a bit. It felt good to have so many comforting, familiar things surrounding me. I watched on eagerly for the sign indicating my street; Tolpuddle Hollow, White Hill onto Brymer Road, and then we were there: Chapel View. I hardly waited for the car to come to a complete stop before jumping out and running up the stone path that lead to our house. A wreath hung on the outside of the door; I smiled as the greeting warmed the part of me that had been feeling so cold. The inside was decorated with immaculate baubles, ribbons, even a few sprigs of mistletoe. None could compare with the beautiful Christmas tree that stood proudly in the sitting room. It was threaded with red beaded garlands and twinkling white lights. Ornaments of all shapes and sizes hung from the limbs of the tree, along with ribbons that were tied into neat bows. The center of this masterpiece was, as always, a glittering angel with feathered wings that sat atop the highest bough.

"Welcome home, darling," Mum said squeezing me from behind. "Now, why don't we get some tea and have a nice chat by the fire?"

"Judy, she's been traveling all day," Dad defended, steering me away by my shoulders. "We ought to let her rest for awhile, don't you think?"

"I suppose you're right," she sighed. "You go take a nap and I'll wake you for supper." She kissed my head and sent me upstairs, but not before Dad gave me a subtle wink.

The rhythmic pattern came easily to me as I made my way to my room: ten steps up, the seventh had a nail that stuck up slightly. Follow the white carpeted hall all the way to the end and on your right was a door with a violet letter 'H' that took up most of the top half. I was surprised that my room hadn't changed much since I had left three months ago. The bed was perfectly made, though it looked as if Mum had fluffed the pillows...and vacuumed the carpet, and rearranged my entire desk. I didn't mind, though. It was just Mum's way of dealing with my being off at school. The one thing that she didn't dare touch was what she referred to as my 'own personal library'.

Since I learned the alphabet I had read every piece of literature I could get my hands on. By the time I was five I had outgrown those stupid childrens' book racks, so my father built me my library. It covered three of the four walls in my room, and each of them was completely jammed with books from Charles Dickens to William Shakespeare, Nathaniel Hawthorne to F. Scott Fitzgerald, even Anne Rice and JRR Tolkien. One wall was interrupted by a window with a cushioned seat and a few throw pillows that I sat in while I read in the sun, the rain, and especially when snow began to fall. So instead of taking a nap like Mum said, I pulled off the lilac blanket that hung from my bed, picked my favourite book off of the shelf and settled myself in to read.

It was around noon time that Mum and I were setting the dining room table. Christmas lunch was at our house that year and my family was minutes from arriving.

"Hermione, can you take these into the sitting room?" Mum asked handing me a tray of some sort of grey-ish h'ordeuvres. With a grimace I brought the tray into the sitting room, dropped it onto the coffee table and continued to follow Mum around the house. A dizzying fifteen minutes of primping later, the doorbell rang, much to my relief. As usual the first to arrive were my Uncle Andrew and Aunt Emily with my two cousins Chloe and Marc. After a quick hug from from each of them, Chloe and Marc, neither older than seven, jumped onto me, clinging to my legs.

"'Mione!" Chloe said excitedly. "We missed you!" I chuckled, smoothing out her hair while she looked up at me.

"And we brought you a present!" Marc exclaimed tugging on my sleeve. "Mummy let us pick it out for you."

"You did?" I asked feigning excitement. "You should go make sure that it goes under the Christmas tree, don't you think?" They both nodded and ran with wide eyes calling for their mummy to ensure that their present for ''Mione' had made it safely to its destination.

Next to arrive were my Grandfather Zachary and Grandmother Julia. They of course each had an armful of gifts along with a cherry pie that I scooped up before it was knocked over by one of the kids who came rushing in to greet their grandparents. Once I had brought dessert to the kitchen, I assisted with entertaining the children to take their minds off of the mounds of presents now under the tree.

"When can we open them?" Marc asked eying the tree over his playing cards.

"After the Queen's Speech, honey," my Grandmother replied sipping her tea.

"How long is that?" he asked hopefully.

"After lunch and church," my Grandfather finished for her. Marc pouted, putting his forehead on the coffee table.

"That's so far away," he muttered. I smiled, patting him on the head and gestured for him to come closer. He leaned his ear nearer to me and I whispered.

"If you don't tell, I'll let you and your sister open your presents from me after lunch." His eyes widened, but when I put a finger to my mouth, he nodded and went back to his cards. "So, do you have any eights?"

Within the hour the rest of my family had arrived: Aunt Katherine with her boxes of holiday goodies, Aunt Fiona with Uncle Jeremy who always had a ridiculous joke to tell, and cousin Rylie who attended a University in the area and often joined our family parties. Finally, to the thrill of the youngest two (Marc had anxiously whispered the secret to his sister), we all sat down to enjoy Christmas lunch. Mum carried out the turkey for my Grandfather to carve, and twenty minutes of quiet conversation and laughter later, I was in the kitchen with Mum clearing dishes for dessert. All throughout dessert, Chloe and Marc bounced eagerly in their seats, for which their sugar intake was held accountable. When the table was spotless once more, I waited for the adults to adjourn to the sitting room and snuck the two children upstairs to my room.

"'Mione come on, tell us what you've got us!" Chloe pleaded as they opened the door to my room.

"Close your eyes first!" I instructed before letting them enter. They giggled as they put their small hands over their eyes. "No peeking." I put them both in the middle of the room, making sure that they had their eyes shut tight. "Alright, you can open your eyes." They looked around, but when they didn't see anything gave me a questioning glance.

"We get your room?" Marc asked slightly disappointed. I laughed.

"No, you get to pick one book from any of the shelves of my library." Chloe's face lit up, though Marc still looked a bit put out.

"Any book we want?" the little girl asked already looking around.

"Whatever you'd like." She hugged my leg before climbing up the ladder to get a better look at which books my library had to offer her. Marc however sat on my bed, his arms crossed over his chest. I sat beside him and put my hand on his back.

"What's wrong, Marc?" I asked. He pouted. "I get it. You thought that I had something better than a lousy old book to give you, huh?" He remained silent. "Give me a second." I crossed the room, taking a book from the shelf on the wall in front of me; I knew its place by heart. When I handed it to him he looked oddly at the title.

"'Treasure Island'? What's it about?"

"Pirates and buried treasure and big ships in the ocean – but it's nothing that you'd be interested in."

"Sure I would!" he said putting the book in my lap. "But only if you'll read it to me." Before I could get to the first page, Chloe ran over, a book in hand.

"Can I have this one, 'Mione?" It was an old book with yellowing torn pages; I had turned them so often it was a wonder they were still intact. Despite that, faint letters could still be seen on the front cover: "Romeo and Juliet".

"Where did you find that?" I asked nervously as I watched her move the delicate bindings.

"The window. I liked the names in it: Romeo and Juliet and Mercutio and Benvolio. Can I have it?" The excitement in her eyes practically brought me to tears.

"Yes, you may have the book." She gave me a 'thank you' hug, and just as we had all settled down for a reading of Treasure Island, Mum called upstairs to tell us it was time to go to church.

The church was ten minutes from our house, which meant packing everyone up in cars and driving there. I almost asked Mum if I could apparate there with the kids for a special Christmas treat, but decided that showing up to a church out of thin air wouldn't be taken very well by the older members of the community. Saint George's Church of England sat atop a hill looking proud and strong. My favorite part of the church had always been the marble stone outside carved in ancient Roman times: 'To Gaius Aristobulus, a Roman Citizen, aged 50. Rufinus and Marina and Avita his children. Erected by Romana his wife.' A tribute to her husband who died by British hands.

A triangular tympanum welcomed us to the candlelit entrance hall; it depicted Christ surrounded by his Apostles with lightning bolts emitting from his hands. Below were figures of people who would hear his message and learn the word of Christ. Taking both of the childrens' hands, I walked through the hall, smiling politely at people I passed. When they tried to stop me for conversation, I simply gestured to either side of me and said, "I'd love to, but we're a bit in need of a potty break. Excuse us for one moment." We moved into the nave to find seats with our family; Chloe usually liked to sit near our grandparents.

The room was three times the size of the entrance way. Arched ceilings painted with images of angels encircling God in the kingdom of heaven bowed at the highest point in the magnificent room. Stained glass windows portrayed biblical scenes of Mary holding an infant Jesus, the twelve apostles, and finally, crucifixion. I ushered the children down the wide aisle and lead them into the pew where our family was gathered. Before seating myself I knelt on one knee before the pew as a sign of my respect. Chloe and Marc were bubbly and excited as we waited for the services to begin, and while I tried to quiet them down, it took a stern look from our Grandmother before they sat down once more.

I suddenly noticed music playing faintly in the background. I had become lost in the organ's tune, allowing it to take me away from all of the ugliness I had been feeling. But before I knew it, it was gone, and I was back in the church, Marc sitting on his knees in an attempt to see the Advent candles being lit.

"The people who walked in darkness have seen a great light; those who lived in a land of deep darkness- on them light has shined," the man recited, turning the lit wick to the next candle. "The true light, which enlightens everyone, was coming into the world." As the organ began to play once more, the congregation sung: "Silent night, holy night. All is calm, all is bright -" I merely mouthed the words which went unnoticed due to the meshing of the many voices. After taking our seats, the priest began to recite prayers.

"Merciful God, our Maker and our Judge,we have sinned against you in thought, word and deed: we have not loved you with our whole heart, we have not loved our neighbours as ourselves; we repent, and are sorry for all our sins. Father, forgive us. Strengthen us to love and obey you in newness of life; through Jesus Christ our Lord. Amen." Forgiveness for my sins. It seemed quite a concept at the time. It made me think: was this why I had lost her? I had sinned so God had taken away what meant most to me in life?

The remainder of Mass had been a blur; a reading from Isaiah Chapter nine that I had heard a dozen times, Hark the Herald Angels Sing sung collectively, though Chloe did have quite a hand in that one, and more readings still that barely penetrated my mind.

"Blessed be the Lord God of Israel, for he has looked favorably on his people and redeemed them - Thus he has shown the mercy promised to our ancestors, and has remembered his holy covenant."

The story of Jesus' conception and birth to a Virgin Mary was told, how he was wrapped in swaddling clothes and laid in a manger in Bethlehem where three wise men bore him gifts. While Shepherds Watched Their Flocks followed the story; it had always been my favorite hymn. "All glory be to God on high, and to the Earth be peace; good will henceforth from Heaven to men  
>begin and never cease."<p>

Finally, through my stupor I heard the priest say to the congregation, "Go in peace to love and serve the Lord," to which they replied, "In the name of Christ. Amen." Chloe and Marc were carried back to the car (they had fallen asleep sometime during the Christmas story), and so I was obligated to shake hands and make small talk with elderly members of the church.

"How is school going, dear?" one of the women asked me. As far as anyone was concerned, I had spent the last seven school years at the Chilton Cantelo School just south of Somerset.

"It's lovely, thank you," I said with a smile that I tried to keep sincere.

"And you're into acting there I hear?"

"Yes, in fact our school just recently put on a small production of the Pirates of Penzance."

"Oh, that sounds delightful!" she beamed. "Be sure to have your mother send me pictures of the next one."

"I'll be sure to tell her. I'm sorry we couldn't talk longer, though, I really must be getting back to my family."

"Yes, of course! Where are my manners? Happy Christmas to you and your family. And best of luck to you!"

"Thank you. Happy Christmas."

When we got home the first thing that Chloe and Marc asked to do was open their presents which they had been impatiently waiting to do all day. The adults, a group in which I was now included, each had a cup on hot tea in hand as they sat around the Christmas tree watching while the two young children ripped through wrapping paper and excitedly exclaimed the name of each present they received. I wasn't very interested in presents that year; there were much more pressing matters on my mind than which socks my Grandmother knitted for me. Even the Queen's speech about her visiting foreign countries and remembrance of Princess Diana didn't really interest me.

It wasn't long before the party began to disband; Aunt Fiona with Uncle Jeremy were first, followed by cousin Rylie who drove Aunt Katherine home. Grandfather and Grandmother left next, each wishing me a Happy Christmas with a kiss on the cheek. And last to leave were Uncle Andrew and Aunt Emily. Chloe and Marc had fallen asleep in my lap while I read Treasure Island with all of the appropriate voices and sound effects. As their parents scooped them into their arms, they stirred just long enough to say, "Happy Christmas, 'Mione," and "Thank you for the story." I noticed Chloe clutching her new book tightly in her little hands before the door closed, and all was quiet once more.

"I think I'm going to go to bed," I said pretending to yawn.

"Of course, honey. It's been a long day, and you were so good with the kids." Mum hugged me close to her. "Happy Christmas, Hermione."

"Happy Christmas, Mum." Dad didn't give me a second to get away before he picked me up in a hug and spun me around.

"Dad, I'm too old for that," I laughed. He smiled, kissing my forehead.

"You will always be my little girl, so as far as I'm concerned, you will never be too old for your daddy to pick you up."

"I love you, Daddy," I smiled, hugging him once more.

"And I love you, 'Mione."

Sitting in my window that night wasn't the same without my usual book. Watching the snow fall outside I began to think about what the priest had said that night in church. Though I tried to shake the thought from my mind with tales of Greek gods and goddesses, even they didn't serve as an adequate distraction. With words of regret ringing dully in my ears I decided that I should at least try to get some sleep. Draco's purple bottle sat on my bedside table. I had chosen to save the potion for when I truly needed it; this did not seem like such an occasion. Twenty minutes later, however, I continued to stare at my ceiling wide-eyed with no intention of sleeping. No matter what I did, I couldn't stop thinking about whatever it was I had done to deserve this. I was a sinner, and this was my punishment.

Instead of tossing and turning in my bed for hours, I got up and headed to my library. I ran a hand over the first shelf until I came across a gold-leafed Bible I had received some years ago. Book in hand, I went back to my bed, kneeling at the edge as if I had been back at church. After flipping through the pages for a moment or so, I found the passage I had been eagerly looking for. In my quietest voice, I began to read aloud:

"Merciful God, my Maker and my Judge, I have sinned against you in thought, word and deed: I have not loved you with my whole heart, I have not loved my neighbours as myself; I repent, and am sorry for all my sins. Father, forgive me. Strengthen me to love and obey you in newness of life; through Jesus Christ our Lord. Amen." Taking a deep breath I continued.

"I'm not sure what it is I've done, but I beg that you show me a way to make this better, please. Even though my sort of relationship is...well, condemnable, you must understand that I love her, and she loved me – she loves me still – and you never would have let us get together in the first place if we weren't meant to be, I know it!" Tears were pouring from my eyes now as I silently screamed through sobs. "Whatever it takes, I'll do it. I promise you, I'll do everything right from now on. Please, help me."

With that, I collapsed into a puddle of tears on my floor. Reflecting on it now it seems foolish to have spent so much time crying when I could have been doing something conducive instead. But of course, I let my heart get the best of me. Pansy brought that out in me; I'd spend so much time trying to figure out how to make everything perfect that I'd forget to look at the big picture. What I wouldn't give to turn back time...


	3. Chapter 3

_Oh baby I have been here before  
>I've seen this room and I've walked this floor<br>You know I used to live alone before I knew you_

The holidays had gone as quickly as they had arrived. It was January now, which meant that sooner or later, someone would begin to wonder why I wasn't attending classes. About four days after school had started up again, I waited until everyone else had left for breakfast before getting out of bed. Removing a set of fresh robes from my trunk, I quickly changed my clothes, running a brush painfully through my messy hair. "Wish me luck," I quietly whispered to Crookshanks as I grabbed my books and made my way down the stairs from Gryffindor Tower.

"Settle down," the professor disgustedly commanded in monotone. "You're young adults, not monkeys." It was then that I pushed the door open hoping that class had not yet begun. "Miss Granger, it is truly kind of you to grace us with your presence on this day. I feared that you had come down with some sort of incurable illness." I bit my lip, feeling my cheeks rush with color.

"I'm sorry, Professor Snape. Could I -?"

"Sit down, Miss Granger. You may speak to me after class." I nodded my head, taking the seat closest to me. Harry looked anxiously back at me, so I gave him a reassuring look and mouthed 'meet me outside' to which he nodded and turned back to Professor Snape. For the next hour and half I tapped a quill on my desk, bouncing my legs up and down beneath it. I tried not to allow my eyes to wander; from the moment I entered I knew that everyone had been watching me, though I tried not to let it bother me. Draco however had been giving everyone his Malfoy death-glare throughout the period, which eased some of the attention put on me. When the other students were dismissed with a casual wave of the hand, I walked up to Professor Snape's desk.

"What do you have to say for yourself, Miss Granger?" he asked without looking up from the stack of papers that littered his desk.

"Professor Snape, I apologize for -"

"Speak up," he told me, scribbling something furiously on a scroll of parchment.

"I apologize for missing your class so many times, Professor," I finally finished. "I was going through a hard time and should have handled myself more professionally."

"Yes, you're quite right," he agreed at last meeting my eyes. Taking a breath I continued.

"And I take full responsibility for whatever work I missed, Sir. I'll stay after class, I'll miss lunch every afternoon until I've made everything up -"

"Not necessary, Granger."

"Th-that's very kind of you, Sir. I can't thank you enough -"

"I was not exonerating you." My excitement faltered as he continued. "To redeem your missed class time I have assigned you a tutor." My jaw dropped in confusion.

"Professor, that's quite unnecessary. If you just gave me the work I'm confident that I would be more than capable -"

"Do not question me, Miss Granger. I am doing this out of sheer kindness and the suggestion of one of your classmates who subsequently will be teaching you what you missed while you were feeling sorry for yourself over a silly teenage crisis." I could feel the heat rising in my cheeks as they flushed red with embarrassment.

"If you don't mind me asking, Sir, who will be...tutoring me?"

"Pansy Parkinson." He spoke so thoughtlessly that he didn't seem to notice the hitch in my breath.

"Ah-are-are you absolutely sure that no one else is available, Sir?" Professor Snape dropped his quill.

"Miss Parkinson has willingly sacrificed time from her own schedule to accommodate you, Miss Granger. You have inconvenienced not only her, but myself as well. I know that your 'issue' has left you a walking corpse, but that does not give you the right to forgo the lives of all others around you." I put my head down in embarrassment: he was right. I was being selfish.

"I understand, Sir. When will my tutoring begin?"

"Tomorrow. Promptly after dinner. Please try not to waste Miss Parkinson's time."

"I'll try, Sir." Professor Snape continued his work, silently waving me out of the classroom. The second I was freed to leave, my feet moved quickly against the marble floor into the corridor. As expected, Harry and Draco were waiting for me outside. Harry paced back and forth anxiously while Draco leaned against the wall watching him, rolling his eyes.

"Hermione!" Harry said running across the corridor when he saw me. He put his hands on my shoulders checking me over. "Are you alright? What did he say? Do we have to slip something into his pumpkin juice at dinner tonight?" In light of Harry's frantic questioning, Draco intervened, taking his hands and bringing them back to his sides.

"Harry, love, what did we talk about? Bombarding Hermione with questions is not going to make her feel better. Now, what I believe he was trying to ask you was, what did Professor Snape talk to you about?"

"He-uh-he assigned me a tutor until I've caught up with what I've missed." Both boys chuckled.

"YOU? He gave you a tutor?" Harry asked.

"Honestly Harry, it's not so dreadful. It might even be good for you. Who is it?" Draco asked. I bit my lip nervously before answering.

"Pansy." It was difficult to tell who was angrier; Draco's eyes narrowed while Harry's bulged with furry.

"I'll kill him!" Harry roared, starting in the direction of the Potions classroom.

"Harry, no," I said grabbing his robes. "It's not his fault."

"What! Are you out of your mind? Was it not just Snape that force Pansy Parkinson upon you?"!

"It wasn't Professor Snape," Draco said. Harry turned to him looking as if he would burst. "I know Pansy. This wasn't an accident." I knew that as well as Draco did, but Harry was out of control with rage.

"When is she going to realize how insane this is? She's off her rocker if she thinks that you'd even consider getting close to her again." I silently looked away causing him to sigh heavily. "She hurt you, 'Mione! Are you telling me that you're willing to go through all of that again?"

I would have been lying if I had said no. I would have cut my arm off at the snap of her fingers if I thought it might put me back in her good graces. It's laughable how much of my energy I put into something that hurt me so much, but God, was it hard not to. Being with Pansy was like breaking a rule. Once you start, you can't stop. The rush keeps you from thinking straight until one day, you go too far: she was my adrenaline.

Tomorrow came too quickly. Walking to the dungeons I tried to tell myself that I was ready for this, but when I saw her tapping her fingers against the desk waiting for me, something inside of me broke in two. Soundlessly I walked up behind her. It wasn't until I dropped a book onto the desk that she noticed I was there. I didn't expect her to jump into my arms the moment she saw me and smother me with kisses. In fact I didn't imagine that she'd have much to say at all, really. But when she smiled I went numb.

"Hermione, I was worried that you weren't going to show up. Are you ready to get started?" Speechless I nodded taking a few ingredients from my bag. Pansy chuckled. "Always prepared."

Our tutoring session went on rather quietly. We spoke when it was necessary, _be sure to slice the caterpillars horizontally, _and even managed to laugh when the Shrivelfigs exploded over the bubbling concoction. It was when our hands brushed over each other that I blushed and she shook her head, laughing to herself as she continued her lesson.

"Ew!" she screamed jumping back from the table. I looked down at what she had in front of her. I couldn't help but laugh aloud. "You think it's funny?" she asked.

"Yes," I laughed. Through her disgust a smirk grew on her face and soon she too was laughing. It felt wonderful to laugh again. It felt even better that it was with her.

"Would you please remove that spleen from my desk so we can finish this?" she asked still a bit wary. Carefully I scooped up the source of her squeamishness (in truth it was disgusting) and threw it into the cauldron. "What would I do without you, love?" For a moment I felt as if nothing had changed, almost as if this whole mess had been a nightmare. But then there it was; right in the middle of my perfect moment I found disaster.

"There's my girl." The way he spoke made my skin crawl. It was that kind of sweetheart lovey-dovey shit that you hear people say when everything is new and they don't know any better: I miss that. She giggled with delight when he swept her into his arms.

It wasn't long before he saw me and putting Pansy down gently with a kiss to the forehead said, "Hi Hermione, how's it going?" flashing his brightest smile.

"She's fantastic," Pansy beamed; she knew full well that I would go to extremes to avoid conversation with...him.

"That's great!" he said. It sounded almost sarcastic. "You about ready, my love?"

"Yes of course! How could I forget?" _I'm not sure, Pansy. You do have quite knack for forgetting important things. _

"Excellent, I'll just be outside then. It was lovely seeing you again, Hermione." I gave him a half-smile that morphed into a sneer as his back turned.

"I'm so excited," Pansy squealed gathering her things. "It's a Hogsmeade weekend so I thought, why not take Lane to go meet Leo, you know?" My heart dropped into my stomach. This was our special place. She told me and only me about it because she cared for me so much. I was special to her, I was loved by her, I was more important than anything else. I was. "If we don't go now though I fear that we'll be caught in a snow drift. Jut add the leech juice to the mixture and you should be fine. Same time tomorrow?"_ Of course not! Why would I want to be around you for hours, yet again invoking painful memories of the biggest mistake of my life_; I nodded my head in agreement.

After that first day, my "lessons" with Pansy were awkward, to say the least. We never spoke of whatever his name was (my personal pet-name for him didn't involve the cleanest of words), but it felt as if somehow, he was always there. I would even look at the door from time to time expecting him to be there. Of course he never was, and of course I felt like some kind of paranoid idiot. Still I couldn't shake this feeling that eyes were constantly following me wherever I went.

In the library one evening, just after a rather trying lesson with Pansy I had my head in my hands. It was becoming increasingly difficult to be around her for so long without being able to even hold her hand; too many times I leaned in for a kiss, catching myself just in time. Seeing as I wasn't meant to meet Harry and Draco in the common room for another hour, I took a book from the shelf that I had undoubtedly read at least twice, and began thumbing its pages. That was when I heard it.

At first I thought it was in my head; surly after all this time my mind had started to create voices to fill the void. But when I heard it again, I thought it smart to check on it. Without moving my head, I shifted my eyes to peer over the top of my book: no one was there. Sighing with relief I dropped my book to the table. Near the end chess pieces crashed into each other on their board. Thank you God, I'm not insane. Sadly, I had spoken too soon.

From behind me I heard a loud **thud. **Already quite shaken, my head whipped around to see the fallen book laying with its pages splayed on the floor. I carefully picked it up, half expecting its pages to suck me in and rip me to shreds. As I rested it back on the shelf I noticed something out of the corner of my eye. The figure turned the corner and being damned my better judgment, I followed. It was a race between us as it wove in and out of rows, creating a massive labyrinth of books. At one point the figure quickened its pace and for one glum moment I had decided to give up, but then I caught a glimpse of glittering something and was on the move again. Hurriedly I ran through the library until I heard the latch close on the restricted section. Making sure that no one was looking I too snuck in, lighting the tip of my wand. Heart beating wildly I walked through, barely breathing. Then there came rustling from the aisle beside me. I jumped, prepared to fight at any given moment. Just barely moving, I peeked my head into the next aisle in time to see his head moving through the maze of shelves.


	4. Chapter 4

_I've seen your flag on the marble arch_

_and love is not a victory march_

_it's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah_

Days later I was still shaken from the incident in the library. I looked around corners in the corridor, minding each step I took. I frequently rolled my eyes at my own stupidity – flinching at a rolling ball of dust, perhaps. This wasn't me. This wasn't Hermione Jean Granger. The Hermione Granger I knew was upbeat, idealistic, a dogmatic powerhouse of intoxicating wisdom that surged from every orifice. And now here I was, gasping for breath every time somebody coughed as they walked past me.

"Nicholas Flamel was born in 1326, living out most of his extensive life in France." Even I had stopped listening to Professor Binns now. It wasn't as if I didn't already know any of this. In fact, I knew more about this than anyone in here, excluding Harry. I had just begun to drift off into a light sleep when someone tapped my shoulder. I turned around to a folded piece of parchment being thrust into my hands, not that Binns was looking. Pansy wiggled her fingers at me with a smirk.

_Hermione, please come to my room at six. I have a question to ask you about the Valentine's Day Ball. Password is _deliciae. _See you then. -Pansy. _

The flames that ignited in my cheeks instantly snaked their way up to my ears. The queasy feeling in my stomach returned, but for an entirely different reason. I looked back at Pansy. She was giggling with her face superglued to the pestilent's neck. I wouldn't let that bother me, though. For right now, nothing could get me down.

Half past five. I nervously looked at the clock every fifteen seconds as I paced around my room looking for something to do; I had changed my outfit three times, done every scrap of homework for the rest of the month, and cleaned the entire room, including making my roommates' beds. Quarter of six. I left the Gryffindor dormitories and began the never-ending descent to the Slytherin dungeon. If I hadn't reminded myself to breathe every few steps I very well may have passed out while I whispered to myself, "Stay calm, don't mess this up. You've waited too long to screw this up now."

When I reached the dungeons I found myself stammering, _de-deli-ciae _before wearily crossing the threshold into uncertainty. I knew my way to Pansy's room blindfolded, mainly because I had-on occasion- made my way down the halls to the Slytherin's Fifth and Sixth Year Girl's dormitories with a black ribbon tied over my eyes. Knocking twice, I waited for Pansy's sing-song voice to answer, "Come in."

Her room was different. While books normally cluttered the floor beside her bed, now there was nothing but gleaming wood floors. Pink roses sat in a vase at her bedside, their unfamiliar scent permeating my nose. Pansy sat on her bed, her bright eyes looking up at me eagerly.

"Hermione," she said filing her book into its new shelf. "Always on time." I smiled and must have been blushing. "Please, come sit with me. I want to talk to you." _Don't screw this up, please dear God, don't let me screw this up,_ I screamed in my head. Pansy patted the bedspread and I stiffly sat beside her, leaning against her pillow.

"What did you want to talk about, Pansy?" I asked. My hands were shaking now.

"Well, as you know, the Valentine's Day Ball is in a few days." I nodded, biting my lip in anticipation; this was it. "And I was wondering if you would take a look at my dress." It didn't hurt like it did the first time. It hurt a thousand times worse. I swallowed.

"Yeah, sure." She smiled, getting up to open her closet. Looking around I noticed that the frame on her bedside table that once held my picture now featured someone else; his playful grin shining through the glass made me claw at the sheets.

"Alright, here it is." Pansy held the dress up to her body, allowing me to imagine what it would look like on her. It was a beautiful deep sapphire, highlighting the crystal blues in her eyes. There were no straps, though the enormous black ribbon that wrapped around the waist could probably keep the dress from ever slipping from her slight frame. The flowing silk was ruched near the bottom, though it certainly reached the floor. There was no doubt in my mind that she would be a vision.

"So?" she asked making silly model-like faces. I smiled.

"It's beautiful." _You're beautiful. _

"I hoped you'd think so. Here, help me try it on." She began to pull her shirt over her head and tossed it over to the bed, my eyes following. That picture looked back at me, its taunting face giving me that anxious feeling again.

"Pansy," I said suddenly, though I wasn't sure why. "I have to go." Her face fell slightly.

"Are you sure?" I sighed.

"Yeah. I have homework I still have to catch up on from when I was gone, and Flitwick's really been on my case about an essay that was due some time ago."

"Well, if you're sure you have to go-"

"I'm sorry, Pansy. The dress looks great, honestly. I'll see you in class tomorrow?" She nodded, putting the dress back in her closet as I closed her door behind me.

"Are you sure that you don't want to go?" Harry asked me as Draco straightened his tie, much to his displeasure. It was the night of the Valentine's Day Ball. Harry and Draco wore matching cloaks that just brushed the floor. Beneath them were black vests over pressed white shirts, Harry's accented with a deep red cravat, and Draco's with an elegant pink.

"Positive. Crookshanks misses me, and Ms. Jane Austen is calling my name."

"That sounds like one hell of a Saturday night," Draco said, fixing his hair in the mirror. Harry thumped him on the arm.

"I can have plenty of fun by myself, Dray," I said crossing my arms. He raised his eyebrows.

"Do you need extra batteries for that?" This time I hit him.

"Get going or you'll be late."

Even from the topmost tower of the school I could hear the music echoing from the Great Hall. Crookshanks purred happily in my lap as I read aloud in an attempt to drown out the repulsive noise. "Careless of her happiness, thinking only of my own amusement, giving way to feelings which he had always been too much in the habit of indulging, I endeavored, by every means in my power, to make myself pleasing to her, without any design of returning her affections."

Nope, I could still hear it. I could only imagine all of those people down there: dancing themselves into a sweaty frenzy, getting drunk from the spiked punch and drooling all over each other in the hallways as they dragged each other back to their common rooms. And then there was Pansy. She must have looked beautiful in that dress. No doubt her raven hair was flowing over her shoulders tonight. She would be dancing, just the way she taught me how: one two three, one two three. And the lights always made her eyes look so beautiful. That was the last place I wanted to be right now.

Shooing Crookshanks from my lap, I jumped up and went to my trunk, taking from my rucksack a hand-held radio. I threw my cloak over my shoulders, carefully removed a book from beneath my pillow, and snuck downstairs. It was silly of me to be 'sneaking', really. What did I have to be afraid of? Everyone was at the ball. I made my way to the fifth floor, my heels clacking down the corridor until I found the door marked 'Muggle Music'.

Unfortunately, Muggle radio frequencies weren't received from inside of Hogwarts. The enchantments that barred the school from the rest of the world had been removed from this classroom, however, allowing me to get a perfectly clear signal. I entered the classroom, plopping myself into the professor's chair, feet resting atop the wooden desk.

_I need your arms to hold me now  
>The nights are so unkind<br>Bring back those nights when I held you beside me  
><em>

"Toni Braxton, you have no idea," I sighed to myself, idly turning the pages of the book in my lap. "The wilderness and the dry land shall be glad; the desert shall rejoice and blossom like the crocus; it shall blossom abundantly and rejoice with joy and singing."

_Un-break my heart  
>Say you'll me again<br>Undo this hurt you caused  
>When you walked out the door<br>And walked out of my life  
>Un-cry these tears<br>I cried so many nights _

"The glory of Lebanon shall be given to it, the majesty of Carmel and Sharon. They shall see the glory of the Lord ,the majesty of our God."

_Bring back the joy to my life  
>Don't leave me here with these tears<br>Come and kiss that pain away  
>I can't forget the day you left <em>

"Strengthen the weak hands, and make firm the feeble knees. Say to those who have an anxious heart, "Be strong; fear not! Behold, your God will come with vengeance,with the recompense of God. He will come and save you." The final words were barely audible as tears began to roll down my pale cheeks. I threw the radio aside, placing the Bible before me as I got to my knees, my cloak still wrapped tightly over my shoulders.

"Please save me, God. I have been patient and obliging and asked nothing of her. Even when I was given the chance to have something more after so long, I didn't give in to temptation. I can't lose her, even as just a 'friend'. I know that if you give me the chance, I can fix everything. She told me that she would love me forever, and I know that she wouldn't say that to me unless she meant it. She's lost right now, God. Please try to lead Pansy in the right direction. We need each other." I pulled a small bottle from beneath my cloak, uncorked it, and downed the purple contents.

From the opposite side of the room I could still hear the faint sounds of the radio playing.

_Un-break my heart  
>Come back and say you love me<br>Un-break my heart  
>Sweet darlin'<br>Without you I just can't go on  
>Can't go on... <em>

* * *

><p>AN: The password _deliciae _means "sweetheart" in Latin, just in case anyone is interested. _  
><em>


	5. Chapter 5

_Well there was a time when you'd let me know  
>What's really going on below<br>But now you never show that to me do you?_

It was getting warmer. Winter had finally given way to an early spring some time near the beginning of March. Though the grounds were still covered in an ever-melting snow, Harry, Draco and I somehow managed to take walks by the lake as often as possible.

"What do you suppose happens to the Giant Squid when the lake freezes over?" Harry asked walking over a patch of crackling ice. Draco sighed at his stupidity.

"He goes into a state of suspended animation in the deep, frigid waters. A sort of hibernation if you will." I couldn't help but laugh at his exaggerated explanation. Draco glared at me. "Oh what, you think you can explain it better?" I cleared my throat.

"He gets sleepy, and takes a nap in the water." Harry thought this over for a moment, then nodded; my watered-down teaching methods had gotten him through the last seven years of school.

"What about the Merpeople? Grindylows? Think of all the decaying plant life!"

"Harry!" Draco tried to reason with him through his laughter. "The Merpeople live in aquatic cities not unlike our own. They are kept warm during the winter months. Now the Grindylows are often kept as pets. The feral ones, however-" Draco's face became vacant. Harry turned to see what he was looking at and quickly put his hands on my shoulders.

"Hey, you know where we haven't gone yet? Hagrid's. Why don't we go have some tea and rock cakes? You love those, don't you?" I shrugged him off all-too-easily, doubling back to see what they so obviously wanted to prevent me from seeing.

They walked through the courtyard together, fingers laced, enormous grins playing on each of their faces. He swept her off her feet, carrying her across a patch of dangerous-looking ice. She screamed, though with her arms wrapped tightly around his neck, she knew she had nothing to fear. They kissed, and I forgot to breathe.

"Hermione-" Harry began.

"Let's just leave," I said quietly resting my head on his shoulder as we walked back toward the castle.

That night at dinner, I barely ate. My face held up by my hand, I poked idly at a plate of food Draco had placed in front of me with the order 'eat'. How could I eat with the sickening sight of

that repulsive vermin running his hands over the woman I love playing on a loop in my mind? It seemed as though tonight would be another night of silent tears and a good book. Perhaps some Poe tonight? A voice cleared its throat behind me.

"Hey, Hermione."

"Parkinson," Harry began, "what gives you the right-?" I waved my hand in front of him.

"Harry, it's okay." She gave him a weak smile. "Do you need something, Pansy?"

"Not really, I just came to say hi and see how you were doing." _Aside from my irrepressible lust for blood_...

"I'm fine. Enjoying the nice weather with the guys."

"Oh me too," she smiled. _Oh yes, I know_.

"Well, if that's all you have to say -" Harry sneered.

"Actually, I did want to ask you," Pansy began, though she seemed unsure. "Would you like to take a walk with me tomorrow? I heard it's supposed to be really nice. Almost fifty!" I didn't want to. She was probably just asking me because her sweetheart was too busy reading to the blind to spend his every waking moment with her. It would be degrading to myself to accept.

"Sure." Her smile made me melt.

"Great. Meet me at the double doors at noon?" I nodded. She crinkled her nose, wiggling her fingers. "See you then." As soon as she was out of ear's reach, Draco sighed.

"You know what you've just done, don't you?"

"Yeah," I said taking a spoon of whatever Draco had put in front of me. "I got a date."

Noon. I looked around the empty hallway, my foot involuntarily tapping. Five minutes past. She wasn't coming. Why would she? She had no real reason to spend time alone with me now that my tutoring was finished. Nope, she wasn't coming. Eight past. Heels echoed down the corridor, making it impossible for her to sneak up on me.

"You ready?" she asked.

"Yeah, let's go while it's still warm."

She wasn't exactly dressed for a walk around the muddy Hogwarts grounds. Her two-and-a-half inch heeled boots moved seamlessly across the thawing ground; admittedly I had more trouble in the mud with my "sensible" trainers. She wore an emerald sweater, though her sleeves were rolled up past her elbows, and a grey miniskirt that left little to the imagination.

"So, where would you like to go today?" she asked.

"Uh-anywhere. It doesn't matter. We could just walk around the lake for awhile. That's what Harry, Draco and I-"

"Here!" she said, stopping me in my tracks. She took out her wand, muttered something (she never was very good at non-verbal spells), and cleared a patch of ground. "Sit," she gestured to it, and I of course sat. Surprisingly the ground was dry, and soon she joined me, noticeably pleased with her accomplishment.

"So."

"So." God was that awkward. What was there to do? What was there to say?

"You know what I like best about the spring?" Pansy asked me after a long pause. "Watching the clouds." She stretched out, laying on her back with her head resting on her folded arms. "They look so beautiful up there. Just gliding across the sky. It's the perfect shade of blue today, isn't it?" I looked up, but she pulled on my jacket. "No no no, you need to lay back and look at them. Here, lay next to me." I scooted down, laying beside her, mimicking her movements. "See? Isn't it perfect?" The clouds were and airy sort of white. Their movements seemed synchronized, each revolving according to the motions of the other, painted against a sky so deep blue that it almost looked fake.

"Yeah, it is," I smiled.

"I love the feeling you get watching them," she continued. "Like, everything is moving around you, and you're only an iota of everything else. Makes you think, there's got to be something else out there. We must be here for a reason." She scoffed. "The sounds stupid, right? Especially coming from me." I sat up on my elbows.

"No Pansy, it doesn't. It makes perfect sense, especially coming from you. You're really thoughtful in that way." She laughed to herself.

"You're sweet."

"You made me sweet." She sat up now, dusting herself off.

"No, you were always sweet." She put her arm out for me to take. As she pulled me up, she patted my clothes free of dirt, and gave me a small kiss on the cheek. "Stay that way?" Every inch of me must have been red. I nodded with a silly smile, letting her lead our way back to the castle.


	6. Chapter 6

_And remember when I moved in you_

_the holy dove was moving too_

_and every breath we drew was hallelujah_

In the weeks that followed, Pansy and I spent an incredible amount of time together. If we weren't picnicking one day we were running around the library the next, Madame Pince's menacing glare piercing us as we attempted to hold back our giggles. Draco told me that I was out of my mind. Harry barely spoke to me. I didn't care. Did I know it was wrong? Of course I did. I knew I was setting myself up to be hurt again, but for now, it was alright. Besides, the more time she spent with me the less she spent with him.

"Hey 'Mione," she said one afternoon. I smiled at her use of my nickname.

"Yeah Pans?" I asked. We laid on her bed, our hands brushing as we stared at the top of her four-poster.

"You want to go with me to Hogsmeade tomorrow?" I sat up wide eyed.

"You really want me to go?" I asked astonished. She smiled.

"You don't have to -"

"Of course I want to!" She chuckled.

"That's excellent. I have somewhere I want to bring you." My smile was so wide I feared that my face may tear at the corners of my mouth. This was it. I wasn't even sure was 'it' was at this point, but now, I could feel it. This really and truly was it.

At ten o'clock the next morning we left, arms linked, down the path that lead toward the small wizarding town. Pansy had always told me that even though it was a "merchants' city", she loved going there because she got to spend time with me. Briefly I wondered what she thought of it now, after having gone the last few trips without me. When she saw the display of chocolate cauldrons in Honeydukes, saying, "'Mione, can we get some of those? Please?", I knew that nothing had changed.

After lunch at The Three Broomsticks, I was fully exhausted, but Pansy was energized as ever.

"Ready to go?" she asked.

"Yeah, I'm bushed. Maybe we can take a nap or something."

"Not back to the castle. You haven't seen my surprise yet." I gasped.

"Can we go right now?"

"Only if you want to," she chuckled. I nodded vigorously, waiting for her to lead the way. She slipped her hand into mine saying, "Alright, now close your eyes." I gave a nervous laugh.

"Why do I need to close my eyes?"

"Because it would ruin the surprise if you knew where we were going. Don't you trust me?" I averted my gaze, anxiously biting my lip. Turning back to her I nodded my head with a smile. She lead me through a familiar path. I could feel myself turning without any idea of where I was. But somehow I knew where I was going. "You still have your eyes closed?" she asked me.

"Can't see a thing," I said clenching my eyelids together.

"We're almost there," she said giving my hand a warm squeeze. Part of me wanted to go on like this forever, walking through the budding forest with Pansy's hand intertwined with my own. I knew I couldn't, though. It wouldn't be right. It wouldn't be real. She stopped me suddenly, positioning me a dozen different ways before announcing our arrival. "On the count of three I want you to open your eyes, alright? One. Two-"

I took a deep breath as my eyes adjusted to the afternoon sun that poured through the trees. The words 'The Treasure Trove' were painted in gold lettering above the door of the ancient looking store. Window displays showed mannequins of a small boy playing with a spinning top wound by a tight rope while his elderly grandmother rocked back and forth in her chair, stitching happily.

"Surprised?" she asked me. She looked so hopeful. I touched my hand to her face.

"Very." She beamed; she did always love surprising me. "Can we go in?" I asked.

"After you," she smiled holding the door for me. The bell rang as it swung closed and a man ran from the back, rubbing his glasses.

"How may I help-" The second our eyes met, his face lit up. "Miss Granger! I haven't seen you in the longest time." He took my hand, shaking it violently. "You haven't been ill, have you?"

"No Leo, I'm alright. I've just been busy with school. Last year, you know." He agreed with a nod. "How are you doing, Leo?"

"Same old, same old," he said leaning on the glass counter top. "Plenty of customers, enough to get me by. Shop's seemed pretty empty since you two stopped coming around, though." I sighed.

"Well then we'll just have to start stopping by more often," Pansy said before I could respond. Leo smiled.

"That would be excellent. Now, what can I help you with? Clothes? Jewelery? I know how you loved to look at the old books, Miss Granger."

"We're just going to browse today, Leo," Pansy said, already half-way down one of the narrow aisles. I followed after her, snaking around aisles while she tried to find something of interest. We searched through the mountain of toys in the 'Kid's Korner' which featured brown bears that had seen better days and china dolls with tightly coiled curls. We looked at furniture, testing the ability of the couches' springs by bobbing up and down on them, landing on one of the intricately decorated rugs in a cloud of dust. We looked briefly at the clothes, but didn't bother to touch. _What do I need used clothes for when I have brand-new clothes in my closet at home?_ she would ask. Finally, we reached what had always been my most favorite section of the entire store: the books. I picked one up, fanning the pages near my face to waft the antique aroma.

"Are you going to be looking at the books for a while?" Pansy asked me.

"Just for a little bit. Why?"

"No reason. Go on about your business." Curiously I allowed her to leave before questioning her. Instead I spent the better part of twenty minutes leafing through as many books as I could get my hands on. I had missed their smell, though even after so many months it felt as if I had only been here yesterday.

When Pansy didn't come to get me, I panicked; what if she left without telling me? She wouldn't do that, would she? No Hermione, calm down. She didn't leave you, you're just too inept to find her. Now, where are her favorite sections of the store? We've already seen the toys, she does love the artwork...of course! I walked up silently beside Pansy. She was bent over, looking through glass containers with her 'shopping' face on.

"Whatcha doin'?" I whispered. She jumped a foot high.

"Hermione!" she said looking nervous. "Weren't you looking at books?"

"I was...and now I'm not. Mind if I stay around here with you?"

"Of course not!" she answered without hesitation; something was up. I watched her look around carefully, sure that she wouldn't at any time meet with me. I decided to look around, too. Leo always had some piece of jewelery to catch my eye, and it took me almost no time to find it. In the second case, bottom shelf, a silver hairpin sat by itself. It was shaped like a butterfly, lavender stones forming the wings encircled by tiny gems of amethyst. Pansy made her way around to my case after a while, poking around to see what I was looking at.

"You find what you were looking for?" I asked gazing down through the glass.

"Oh, definitely," she said taking my hand again and bringing us toward the checkout.

"You girls find everything alright?" Leo asked.

"Yes we did, thank you. There is one thing I'd like you to get for me, though, if it isn't too much trouble." Leo followed Pansy back from where we had just come, but when I went to follow her she said, "No, you stay here. We'll only be a second." I tapped my foot as I waited, listening to Pansy whisper something that made Leo laugh.

"-and not a penny more!" he chuckled, shaking her hand.

"You always were a hustler, Leo," she said taking the wallet from her pocket where I knew she kept spare Muggle money for 'adventuring'. He placed something down on the counter behind him, wrapping it neatly in tissue paper before handing it back to her.

"You two have a lovely afternoon," he smiled. "And I want your word that you'll keep visiting."

"We'll be back in a few weeks to check up on you," she said slyly.

"Good-bye, Leo," I said before we left, the tinkling bell following after us. Pansy took great strides in front of me; she was obviously trying to get me to chase after her...and it worked. I ran up behind her, watching the smirk grow on her lips as she walked just one step farther. Finally I grabbed on to her shoulder.

"Pansy!" I said out of breath. She was laughing.

"You want to know what I bought," she said matter-of-factly. "You're going to have to close your eyes again." I sighed heavily but closed my eyes anyway. I heard the bag rustling, and then felt something being pushed through my hair. "Okay, open them." I reached up to touch whatever it was Pansy had just put in my hair. There were circles, four of them, two big and two small. Something bumpy was on the rim of the clip, maybe some kind of stone? Pansy took the mirror from her pocket and handed it to me.

"I saw you looking at it and I had to get it for you." She radiated pride.

"It's beautiful, Pansy. I love it. But you really didn't need to get me anything. Spending the day with you was the best present I could ask for." She smiled.

"That was one of the main reasons I brought you here. I wanted to get you a gift because you deserve it." She kissed my forehead, linking her arm with mine. "Come on, let's get back to the castle. It's almost dinner time."

A week later had taken us into April. Daisies covered the grounds leading to the forest beside Hagrid's hut. Pansy loved to take me there and lay amongst them for hours, making chains and twisting them through my hair. Physically we had become much closer. She would link arms with me in the halls, sometimes putting her arm around my shoulder allowing me to slide mine around her waist. Emotionally my stance was obvious, but hers...only time would tell.

I was laying across the couch in the common room one night. A book was open in my lap, my face in another. Pansy had told me that she was studying with Milicent, but I knew better. I tried not to let it bother me anymore. She was spending so much time with me, after all. Surely it wouldn't be long before she would begin to remember all of the feelings she had for me.

My eyes were beginning to close when the door slammed open and shut again. I jumped up as Pansy stomped over to me, picking up my legs and plopping herself down before putting my legs back down across her lap without saying a word.

"What happened?" I asked sitting up. She huffed.

"You know what I hate?" she began. I knew where this was leading. "I hate when someone says that they'll be somewhere and they don't show up." I rolled my eyes agreeing with an 'mhm'. "And I hate when they blame the whole thing on you." I put my hand on her back, still nodding expressionless. "And when they yell at you for trying to talk to them about it and there's nothing you can do about except...except-" Pansy began to sob into her hands, huddling in them to hide her reddening face from me. I got up to sit beside her, holding her and moving my hand in slow circles on her back.

"Pansy, please don't cry," I said shushing her. "I hate to see tears in those beautiful eyes." She sniffled, wiping her face to look up at me. Though she was very pink and blotchy from crying, her blue eyes still shone clearly, sparkling even more than usual as heavy tears threatened to fall. She touched a hand to my face, looking thoughtfully at every aspect, then pushed her lips against mine.

I breathed in deeply in shock. Searching her sad eyes I found myself cupping her face and kissing back. She began threading her fingers through my hair, her lips never leaving mine. As I broke the kiss, I began to travel down the side of her neck, biting at her earlobes, leaving the heat of my breath behind. She shivered when the cooling wetness of my tongue framed her jaw, meeting back at her mouth.

Without exchanging words we both stood up, never removing our hands from each other. We went up to my empty dorm, stopping on several landings to adjust the positions of our bodies against each other. The door was thrown open. Pansy and I never broke our kiss, biting and sucking on each others lips before locking the door behind us. She pushed me back onto the bed, allowing us both to finally take a breath.

"Are you sure you want this?" I asked. Her chest moved erratically as she panted. For a moment she was silent, and then without a word, she pulled her shirt over her head. My eyes must have been enormous because she was almost smirking while she unbuttoned her jeans, stripping until she was left in nothing but matching black lace covering her most intimate places; it was quite possible that I was drooling.

Slowly she climbed on top of me where she allowed her lips to find mine once again. My head spun as she began to unbutton my shirt, running her tongue on my newly exposed flesh. _You shouldn't be doing this_, I told myself. _You'll get hurt again. This isn't a good idea._ The shivers on my abdomen as Pansy removed my pants screamed otherwise. She looked me over once we were both wearing nothing but our underwear and sighed in delight.

I could feel myself begin to shake as she ran her tongue from my midriff to bridge of my bra. She allowed a single finger to coast along the bottom of the left side before her hand disappeared beneath it. My breath hitched when she circled my nipple with her thumb. I was already wringing the bedsheets. I needed more and she knew it. Expertly she reached her free hand behind my back and unclasped the wretched article, promptly disposing of it somewhere on the floor.

Finally exposed, Pansy cupped my breast, which barely filled her small hand. My chest rose and fell sharply as she gently massaged it, almost inquisitive. Her mouth enveloped me, searching my other breast with a warm hand, caressing and pinching lightly. My hips jerked; a familiar tingling between my legs gave way to a sudden dampness. I struggled to contain myself as Pansy ran both of her hands down the delicate sides of my torso. She ran her fingers across my waistband, smirking as she teased me.

My breaths were becoming intermittent. I needed the friction whether or not she was going to give it to me. When I reached my own hand down she stopped it, kissed my palm and shook her head. As slowly as possible she pulled on the piece of fabric that kept me from receiving what I so desperately ached for. The burning wetness between my legs was becoming unbearable.

"Please," I whispered. And on that night, that was all I needed to say. Pansy began to stroke my most sensitive parts. I heard myself moan followed by Pansy's stifled groan of pleasure at the sound. "More," I pleaded. She settled herself between my thighs, looking directly at me as she inserted one finger into me. I gasped, jerking my hips forward. She worked in and out, slowly and lightly until I moaned again, granting me a second finger. Still she moved slowly, though she knew I was desperate. "Faster," I screamed. She quickened her pace. "Harder. Please."

I could feel it building up inside of me. I needed, wanted, begged for release. I bucked my hips, forcing her deeper inside of me. I'm sure that I screamed her name as a million explosions went off in my head, shattering my body in an eruption of pleasure. When I finally laid still on the bed, thoroughly exhausted, Pansy repositioned herself, this time allowing her head to escape between my legs. My high returned as she licked every bit of wetness from my thighs, meeting once again at my core.

When she was finished, I sat up on my elbows, panting and sweaty. I lunged at her, kissing every bit of her that I could reach. We both knelt on the bed, locked in a heated kiss as I snapped off the three hooks of her bra and tossed it aside. Almost immediately my mouth met her breast, cupping the other while I rolled her nipple between my thumb and index finger. Her pelvis thrust into mine as small moans escaped her.

Instinctively she laid back, her legs rubbing together in discomfort. I wasn't as cruel as she was, however, and instantly removed the cloth barrier. I smoothed the inside of her thigh, delighted to see her shiver. I wanted her to experience the pleasure that she had given me. When I inserted my finger she was already dripping with anticipation. She sucked in a sharp breath when I began to move my finger in and out of her, slow at first.

"More," she begged just as I had before. Again I complied without hesitation, inserting another finger into her. "More. Please more" She squirmed against the sheets, clawing at the pillow behind her. As she wished I added a third finger, pumping in and out of her as fast as I was able. She moaned and screamed in pleasure, groping her own breasts while I busied myself with her center. With one final gasp she cried out my name as she reached her peak.

I fell back onto the bed beside her, leaving kisses up and down her chest. She smiled, kissing me on the nose before closing her eyes.

"Pansy," I said stroking the girl's raven hair.

"Yes, darling?" she asked.

"I love you." She looked up at me, our faces mere centimeters apart.

"I love you, too."

We slept like that for hours, face to face, warm breath mingling between us. Just before dinner we woke, dressing each other in the light of the setting sun. She brushed my hair, tying it back with a ribbon and sticking the butterfly pin she had purchased me into the side so that it shone in the light. With one final kiss we walked down to the Gryffindor common room, through the portrait of the Fat Lady, and down the seven flights of stairs to the Great Hall, touching hands and smiling the entire way.

We parted ways, sitting at our own house tables that night. Harry and Draco fussed over me as usual. Where had I been all afternoon, they wondered. Neither seemed to have noticed the blush that painted my cheeks as I swirled my fork around my plate. Everything was right again. Everything would be fine.

* * *

><p>AN: So this is my first "sex scene" or at least an attempt at one. Please don't hate me.


	7. Chapter 7

_Well Maybe there is a God above_

_but all I've ever learned from love _

_was how to shoot somebody who outdrew you_

April fifth. I woke up smiling. The sun peered through the curtains, warming my already glowing skin. I rolled around in my sheets, bathing in her sweet scent; truthfully if I hadn't needed to shower that morning, I probably wouldn't have. I had a big day ahead of me, however, so kissing her smiling picture, I greeted the day.

I sung in the shower that morning. I wanted everyone to know how happy I was and how wonderful it was to be alive. I spent an abnormally long time fussing with my hair that morning as well. Pansy liked my tangled hair for some reason, so I attempted to at least make it as flat as possible without taking away any of its signature frizz. After putting on my favorite pink shirt that we had bought together years ago, along with jeans that hugged my ass in a way that I knew she wouldn't be able to resist, I left for breakfast, taking the stairs two at a time.

My eyes made their way to the Slytherin table the moment I walked into the Great Hall. Pansy wasn't at breakfast yet, though I wasn't entirely surprised. I must have tired her out last night. I smiled, skipping down the aisle to meet Harry and Draco.

"Good morning," I said grabbing an apple from a bowl in the middle of the table. "Everyone sleep well?" The two stared at me, mouths agape.

"You feeling okay, 'Mione?" Harry asked.

"'Course! I feel great." I began spreading strawberry jam over a piece of toast, humming quietly to myself.

"You sure?" Draco asked watching my every move. "Because you're acting like an absolute lune." I giggled; I honestly couldn't contain myself.

"Dray, what are you talking about?"

"I'm talking about your bipolarity!" he said trying not to raise his voice. "I'm your friend and all, and you know that I want to see you happy, but just yesterday you were-"

"What? I was moping around here like a zombie. Now that I'm happy it's too much for you? You want me to be a corpse?"

"Of course not!" Heads looked down at us from the long house table. "It's just that you've been around Pansy an awful lot lately. She must be telling you-"

"That I'm beautiful? That I'm smart? Things that girls need to hear? Things that I most certainly need to hear."

"I know her, Hermione. I know her games."

"No, no you don't," I cried shaking my head violently. "You don't know her like I know her. No one does."

"Does Lane?" The strawberry jam churned furiously in my stomach. Draco sighed, rubbing a hand over his tired eyes. "Hermione, I want the best for you. I want you to have a career, be successful, fall in love and have a bunch of genius bushy-haired kids. You deserve to be happy, Hermione. You can be happy with Pansy, but at what cost?" I slammed my fists on the table, detaching myself from the bench as fast as I could.

"I love her, Draco. And she loves me, too. I know she does. Nothing you say is going to change the way I feel about her. I've spent too much time trying, put too much of myself into this to back out now." Harry took my hand briefly before I left. A single tear slid down his cheek as the anger that had welled up inside of me bore into him. He wanted to say something, I could feel it, and I wish that he had.

Back in the comfort and sanity of my dorm, I began to think over what I had to do before nightfall: curl my hair, paint my nails, write an essay for Transfigurations, feed Crookshanks, maybe put a few words down-what the hell am I going to say to her? Taking a deep breath I sat myself down, closing my eyes to let the imaginary list work its way through my mind. It was then that I remembered.

I ran to my trunk, tossing aside bits of parchment that had been scribbled-upon and a few unlaundered shirts. There it was, amongst the books and stacks of potions ingredients that were probably far past their expiration date. The tiny box looked so out of place in the darkness of the trunk, so lonely. When I opened it, I might have been seeing it for the first time. The rubies still glittered so beautifully, tucked into their safe golden cradles. I eased the ring from the velvet encasement and held it steady between my thumb and index finger. With as much skill and precision as I could muster, I took out my wand and began to inscribe only three words.

I wore a pastel purple skirt with a white bow around the top to match my (very) fitted white short-sleeved shirt. My hair was perfectly curled, almost to the likeness of a doll's. Of course, holding up a section of hair was the butterfly with its amethyst wings. The familiar nervous feeling returned as I walked to the Slytherin dungeons, anxiously tapping the small box in my pocket. _She'll say yes this time_, I told myself. _She needs to say yes_.

Touching the bottom step my heart began to race. I absentmindedly breathed into my hand to make sure that my mouthwash had taken its intended effect. I could feel my legs buckling beneath me like a newborn fawn taking its first steps. _Relax. Be yourself. She loves you, Hermione. You'll have a wonderful life together. _

A sound came from the end of the corridor. I gasped, pressing my body to the wall expecting to be yelled at for being in the dungeons at such a late hour. As footsteps drew nearer, I was able to make out a voice: her voice. For a moment I thought that she might be coming to find me in Gryffindor Tower. Then someone spoke back to her. I tried to run away, tried to find somewhere to go where I could hide from this, but I was frozen to the floor. That was it. I just had to stay there and take it.

She laughed, holding his hand as they walked nearer to me. When she saw my face her smile faltered, however. I simply stared at the two of them in disbelief.

"Hey, Hermione," he said offering his hand to me. Once again, I ignored it.

"Pansy," I began. "What are you doing?" She tried not to look at me while she answered.

"We were just going to go for a walk by the lake," she said messing with her hair. "It's pretty warm out tonight."

"You could join us if you'd like," he suggested. I was seconds away from simply telling him to fuck off.

"Pansy could I speak to you for a moment? Privately."

"Friend issues, I see," he said with a chuckle. "Take a bit of 'girl-time'. I'll be waiting upstairs when you're through." Reluctantly he released her hand and walked down the corridor alone. When all was silent again, I turned to Pansy.

"Pansy, what are you doing?" I asked in a breath. She cleared her throat.

"I'm going for a walk, remember?"

"With HIM! What's going on with you, Pansy? What about us? What about last night?"

"What _about_ last night?" she replied. Her arms were crossed over her chest.

"We had sex last night!" My voice echoed dangerously loud through the corridor. Pansy's eyes bulged.

"We did."

"I thought that it meant that we were...we were getting back together." She sighed, looking at the floor as she spoke.

"Hermione look, last night was...it was spectacular."

"Then there's no problem. Isn't it obvious, don't you understand after last night how much I love you?" She sniffled, allowing a few tears to fall as she finally looked up at me.

"I know that you love me, Hermione. But I have Lane. He loves me now, too. And I love him. What we had last night was amazing, but it was only one night. Nothing more." My mouth was too dry for me to speak. I stared a her for a moment, taking her all in.

"I understand." I whispered. My stomach gurgled as I ran in the opposite direction, my name echoing off the walls. That was it. I was finished. She had truly given up on me, and now, I had, too.

Tears blocked my vision as I ran down the corridor. Still, I knew where I was going and I knew what I had to do. By now, Professor Snape had gone to make his nightly rounds which I knew he wouldn't return from for hours; he found disturbing pleasure in frightening those who dared roam the corridors after hours. Silently I crept through into the Potion's room and locked the door shut behind me.

A fresh stack of parchment sat atop Professor Snape's desk, as well as a quill that rested in an inkwell. I scribbled frantically for several moments, scarcely remembering to breathe. When I was finished, I folded the note, sealing it with a kiss. Then I began to work.

I took the largest cauldron I could find and set it on top of a flame. I didn't even bother opening a textbook before taking ingredients from the shelf. Bottles and vials spilled from my arms onto the table. As I looked them over I took a book from my pocket, along with the box that I threw lazily onto the table. I turned the pages manically until I found the one I wanted, setting the book down amongst the various ingredients.

I opened a few bottles, dropping in seeds of this and globs of that. At one point I wasn't even sure what I had been adding to the cauldron: aconite pods, leaves of a belladonna plant, berries from a moonseed plant. The mixture bubbled excitedly as I threw in more and more still.

"The Lord is my Shepherd; I shall not want. He maketh me to lie down in green pastures: He leadeth me beside the still waters. He restoreth my soul: He leadeth me in the paths of righteousness for His name' sake," I began to read from my book as I paced back and forth. Random fungi made their way into the cauldron as I walked past, stirring occasionally.

"Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: For thou art with me." I made no attempt to clean the mess I had created, though broken glass-bottles covered the floor around me.

"Thy rod and thy staff, they comfort me. Thou preparest a table before me in the presence of mine enemies;" My heart was pounding in my chest. This was not the time to be afraid, however. Now I would no longer be afraid. I would feel no pain.

I brought a handful of sweetpea petals to my nose, breathing in their perfume before tossing them into the rolling vat. With a shaking hand I took a goblet from the shelf, filled it to the brim, and brought it to my lips. "Thou annointest my head with oil; My cup runneth over." The liquid filled me, warm and pungent. Seconds after having reached my mouth I began to feel its effects. I fell to the floor, too weak to stand. My breathing was slowing now as I looked up from where I lay. Spots began to gather in my eyes and suddenly it was dark.


	8. Chapter 8

_And it's not a cry that you hear at night_

_it's not somebody who's seen the light_

_it's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah_

"Is there something wrong, darling?" he asked. Pansy looked off into the night sky: everything was dark.

"No, nothing—nothing's wrong. I just...really regret what I said to Hermione tonight." She lowered her head though she wouldn't cry. He put his arm around her, smoothing back her hair.

"I understand, sweetheart. Hermione is your very best friend and even the best of friends get into arguments. Why don't you go ahead and find her? Invite her out here with us. We can get to know each other better." Pansy inhaled her tears before standing up.

"Yeah, alright. I'll be back." He smiled, kissing the back of her hand.

"I'll be waiting."

Pansy ran up the seven flights of stairs to Gryffindor tower, breathing the password to the Fat Lady. Inside, Harry laid across the floor beside the fire, Draco's head resting in his lap.

"Harry...Dray...please. Where's Hermione? I need to tell her...I need to say something to her!" she choked, heaving air in and out.

"She's not here, Pans," Draco said looking up at her. "I thought she'd be with you tonight."

"Why would you think that?"

"She was all excited about something this morning," Harry said weaving his fingers through Draco's hair. "She's probably looking for you. Have you tried the dungeons?" Pansy shook her head, taking a breath before making her way down the stairs once more.

Now in the dungeons, she listened intently for any sign of life: footsteps, breaths, a sneeze, even. There was nothing. She turned around, ready to leave defeated, when she saw a light coming from a crack in the door to the Potion's room. Pansy ran to it, ripping it open, assuming that she would find me sitting at a desk crying or something. When she entered, eyes lit with excitement, I laid still on the floor. Shaking, she knelt beside me, touching my wrist and chest for a pulse, though none was to be found.

Carefully she got up and sat at the desk where I had been mixing the potion. Through the emptied bottles and crushed plant parts, Pansy saw the letter that I had written. She picked it up, brushing off some of the debris before nervously reading it.

_Dear Pansy, _

_ I have no doubt that it will be you that finds me here. You knew me best, after all. That is why I had to do what I have done. Now please, understand that I did not do this to hurt anyone, though I'm sure that the second a word of this is breathed to another living being there will be more pain that I can scarcely imagine. The reason that I have done this is because I could not stand to go another day without knowing that you loved me, truly loved me. After being with you last night, I realized that my love for you is not actually unchanging as I thought: it is ever growing. And it is because my love for you will blossom each day yet not feel the warm glow of your smile that I know that I must leave this world; a world without your love is not one worth living in at all. _

_Please, tell my parents that I love them, and that they have nothing to fear. Though it is considered a sin in our religion to take one's life, I believe that God loves me enough to understand my need to be with him, away from the world and all of the bad things I have spent so much time trying to mend having come to no conclusion. God will keep me safe now. _

_Pansy, my sweetpea, I want you to know how much I love you, in this life and the next. Take care where you are now, darling. You can create a better future for yourself. I know that we will meet again one day. I will be waiting. _

_All of my Love, and Always Yours, _

_Hermione. _

She clung to the piece of paper, holding it close to her chest as tears rolled down her pale cheeks. She rested her hand on to the table, wiping her tears with the other. As she did so a small box poked its way through the rubbish. Pansy opened it, new tears flooding to her eyes when she saw the beauty of the tiny token. She had wanted that ring something fierce. Somewhere in the back of her mind she always knew that one day I would buy it for her.

She removed it from its safe crevice, carefully examining it. Her eyes began to water once more. Hidden on the underside of the band were the words I had myself inscribed earlier that same day: to new beginnings. Her eyes squeezed tightly, she closed the box and set it back on the table.

The goblet I drank from was still sitting beside the cauldron, half-full now. Without a second thought, she swallowed the entire contents of the goblet in one enormous gulp. She began to lose her balance, leaning up against a bench beside me as my potion took affect. She looked at me, appreciating every bit of me before it set in. Though she was too weak to hold up her own fragile frame, with one final breath she muttered into the darkness, "I love you, Hermione". And just like that, she was gone. Gone from the world and all of its evils, gone from her family and friends, gone from him, even. Now, she was mine.


	9. Epilogue

It was a quiet Easter Sunday that year. My parents held each other in the pew closest to alter. My extensive family sat behind them, Chloe and Marc as close as their parents would allow. They were too young to understand what was happening. Marc requested to see me several times before Chloe shushed him. The tiny book was still stuck to her like glue; I imagine that new tears stained the pages now.

Harry and Draco had arrived some time before them. Having only been in a church of any sort once or twice, Draco steered them to the front. They took their seats, awkwardly waiting for my family to arrive so they could give their condolences. Tears trickled from Harry's eyes as Draco did his best to console him. Even Draco, however, could not keep his eyes from welling. He sniffed into the top of Harry's head, kissing him there before finding my parents.

In time my mother would be able to see my reasons for doing what I had done, but for now, she was a wreck. Dad cradled her, giving her enough room to dab at her eyes with her handkerchief every so often. He too had tears falling from his eyes. We had always been so close throughout my life time. Never did he think that I would purposefully leave him. Leaving means that you don't love somebody. I did love him, though, and Mum. I would watch over them always.

The priest blessed my body, reciting several prayers that I knew by heart. Then, a eulogy was read by my father, whose eyes glistened with tears at the mention of the first time I called him 'Daddy'. Next Harry said a few words, reminding everyone of what a good, loyal friend I was, and saying how much he loved me and would forever miss me. To my surprise even Draco spoke. He said that no matter what my decision had been on staying on this Earth, he knew that it was really up to God to know when it was my time to leave.

And I had no choice but to believe that. When I drank that potion, I knew from the moment it touched my lips that I was condemned to an eternity in the darkest part of the underworld. Yet for some reason when I opened my eyes from the experience, I found myself bathing in the most beautiful white light. As I stood up, I could feel the pressure being lifted from me. For a moment, I was careless, twirling and jumping about. And then I remembered what I had left back on Earth.

I sank to my knees. Pansy. My darling Pansy. She would never forgive me for doing this. She would live the remainder of her days in total and complete hatred of what I had done to her. And then I thought. Finally, I thought clearly, though I did feel a bit foolish; if she truly loved you in life, then she would never hate you in death. As I sat there, breathing out the rest of my sorrows, a hand touched my shoulder.

"Hermione, love, are you ready to go?" She was beautiful in her white flowing gown. Her hair was far past her shoulders, longer than she kept in in life, though it did leave her radiant as ever. I got to my feet, noticing that I too wore a white gown, billowing in the breeze that seemed not to exist. My normally frizzy hair was smooth and curled, framing my face; I truly felt like an angel. She put her hand out for me. The golden ring looked dazzling on her finger after all of this time. With a smile I took it, saying, "I always have been."

Hallelujah, Hallelujah, Hallelujah, Hallelujah.

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><p>AN: Thank you to anyone who stuck with this story and read it until the end. It means a great deal to me, and I hope that you enjoyed reading it as much as I enjoyed writing it. Reviews are always welcome. ~ Joceline


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